Movie Reviews. From the Hip.


"What should we see this weekend?"

"Will that be any good?"

"What would DORIEN SAY?"

... Here's what DORIEN SEZ.

Welcome to the premiere movie reviewer that JUDGES FILMS BEFORE THEY COME OUT! Armed only with a few previews and a crack-shot snap judgment, I bring you the most succinct, accurate, and cocksure film reviews this side of the River Wild... which sucked!


Wednesday, June 8, 2011


Some smarmy idiot finds a lantern and joins aliens to fight other aliens.  Awesome.

I suppose it's an uphill battle making a good movie about one of the lamer superheroes.  (Honestly, aside from a handful of nerdlingers, who knows or cares about the Green Lantern?)  But when you cast Ryan Reynolds as your hero, you're now battling uphill alongside an annoying dipshit that we're all supposed to take seriously because he's been hitting the gym and has a mask on.  Boo.

This garbage will go through the usual motions: first, set up the backstory about the bad guy and the league sworn to fight him (or whatever).  Then, totally surprise us by cutting to.... Ryan Reynolds?!  Why, he's cracking wise and chasing tail, irreverent at his place of work, and generally not what you'd expect from a superhero -- he can't be our savior!  But his long and dumb story has only just begun.  We'll see the familiar "learning-about-my-new-powers-against-urban-street-toughs", and some obligatory flying stuff with Reynolds whooping it up and doing figure-8s.  Later, when he learns about his true destiny, he'll play the reluctant hero: "Why me?  I'm no superhero.  I'm just a ______!"  We know, Reynolds, we know.  Now clench your jaw, steel your gaze, and by all means try to look half as dope as Christopher Reeve, because this is your slow-zoom close-up, and you've finally decided to become the Green Lantern.

Oh, there might be a few okay action sequences, and the supporting cast features some heavy hitters (Rush, Robbins, Sarsgaard), but as a whole, Green Lantern will be a mistake.  Too much Ryan Reynolds, and too much green.  If history has taught us anything, superhero movies featuring abundant neon green (Spawn, Batman Forever) suck.  Throw in an unfunny non-actor who couldn't charm his way into my house on a cold, cold night, and "suck" doesn't even say it.  This movie will Reynolds.

Dorien Sez:  D+
Watch the trailer:

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